“Why are they acting like this?”
“They know better.”
“I’ve told them a thousand times.”
If you’re a parent, chances are you’ve had one of these thoughts—probably more than once.
I know I have.
As a child therapist, I spend a lot of time helping parents understand the behavior they are seeing in their children. But as a mom, I also know that understanding the why behind a behavior doesn’t always make it easier in the moment.
Sometimes you're tired. Sometimes it's the end of a long day. Sometimes you’ve said the same thing 14 times and you're just trying to get everyone to bed so you can finally relax.
And sometimes your child is melting down over something that seems so incredibly small or some might say “stupid”.
But what if we paused and asked a different question?
Instead of, “Why is my child giving me such a hard time?”
Try asking:
“What is my child having a hard time with?”
That small shift can change the way we see the behavior—and sometimes, the way we respond to it.
Behavior Is Communication—Sometimes the Behavior Is Bigger Than the Problem
Children don't always have the words to tell us what they're feeling or what they need.
So sometimes, their behavior speaks for them.
A child who is yelling may be overwhelmed.
A child who is refusing may be struggling with a transition.
A child who is constantly arguing may be looking for connection or control.
A child who falls apart over something seemingly insignificant may simply have reached the end of their emotional capacity.
Have you ever seen your child completely lose it over the wrong color cup? Or because you cut their sandwich? Or because you told them it was time to leave?
The reaction can seem completely disproportionate to the situation. But sometimes, the thing they're upset about isn't what it seems,
Maybe they've had a difficult day at school. Maybe they're hungry. Maybe they're tired. Maybe they've been holding it together all day. Maybe they've already experienced 20 other little disappointments.
Sometimes, the wrong cup is simply the final straw.
I think about this often as a mom.
For example, my 3-year-old daughter seems to have a meltdown almost every night after bath time. And somehow, the biggest issue of the evening becomes which dress she wants to wear to bed.
To an adult, arguing over a bedtime dress can seem ridiculous.
It's jammies, just pick one!
But when I look at it through the lens of a three-year-old who has had an entire day full of transitions, directions, stimulation, and things she didn't get to control, I can understand that maybe the dress wasn't really about the dress.
Maybe she is tired. Maybe she is overwhelmed. Maybe she is struggling with the transition from a busy day to bedtime. Maybe choosing that dress was one of the few things she felt she could control.
And honestly, sometimes knowing all of that still doesn’t make the bedtime battle any less exhausting.
Both things can be true.
As a parent, you can understand why your child is struggling and still feel completely exhausted by the behavior.
My soon to be 2 year-old has also had moments where getting upset meant throwing his little body onto the floor and gently hitting his head on the ground. At this age, there aren't many ways for him to express I'm frustrated, I don't like that, I can't do what I want, or I don't know how to handle this feeling. His way of expressing those big feelings is through his behavior, which is one of the things that he can control at his age.
Our job isn't to shame them for having the feeling. Our job is to keep them safe, hold the boundary, and help them learn what to do with that feeling over time. Help be their co-regulator.
And sometimes the behavior is also communicating something much simpler.
My five-year-old saying, “I want you,” may not be asking for anything complicated. Sometimes she's simply telling me:
“I need you.”
While I may be thinking about dinner, laundry, work, bedtime, tomorrow's schedule, and the 47 other things on my mental list, her little brain may simply be asking for connection.
Sometimes the answer can be as simple as:
“I'm right here.”
That doesn't mean we stop everything every time our child asks for us. It means we pause long enough to consider what might be underneath the behavior.
The behavior may be inconvenient. It may be frustrating. It may even need a boundary. But it is often telling us something deeper.
And when we get curious about what our child is communicating, we can respond to the need underneath the behavior rather than only reacting to the behavior itself.
“But They Can Behave at School!”
This is one I hear from parents all the time.
“They don't act like this at school.”
And sometimes, children really do hold it together all day—only to completely fall apart when they get home. I am here to tell you that it is actually a good thing. It means they feel safe enough at home to express themselves fully.
That doesn't mean as parents you are doing something wrong.
It also doesn't mean every behavior should simply be accepted because a child is tired or overwhelmed. Persistent, intense, or unsafe behaviors deserve attention and support.
But it can be helpful to remember that a child who melts down at home may not be choosing to make your evening difficult.
They may finally be releasing everything they've been holding in.
Connection Before Correction
When emotions are running high, correction isn't always the first thing a child needs.
Sometimes they need connection first.
That might sound like:
“I can see you're really frustrated.”
“You really wanted to wear that dress.”
“It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit.”
Or simply holding them and giving a hug.
Connection doesn't mean giving in.
You can validate the feeling while still holding the boundary.
You can say:
“I know you really want to keep playing but It's time to clean up.”
“You don't like that I said no. I'm still not going to let you hit.”
“You really wanted to choose your own pajamas. Tonight we're going to pick one together between these 3 choices”
Children need both compassion and boundaries.
Children Are Still Learning the Skills We Expect From Them
Sometimes we forget just how many skills we expect children to have.
We expect them to:
Wait patiently.
Share.
Take turns.
Handle disappointment.
Communicate appropriately.
Manage frustration.
Transition between activities.
Control impulses.
Think about other people's feelings.
Solve problems.
Calm themselves down.
Accept “no.”
Lose gracefully.
Try again when something doesn't work.
And they're still learning all of it.
This Is Where Play Can Be Powerful
As a play therapist, this is one of my favorite parts of working with children.
Play is a child's natural language.
Children don't always sit down and say, “I've been feeling overwhelmed lately and I'm having trouble regulating my emotions.”
Instead, they may show us through play.
They may build, destroy, pretend, create stories, act out family situations, become intensely competitive, change the rules, struggle when they lose, or ask us to play the same game over and over.
And all of those moments can give us opportunities to work on important skills.
A board game can become an opportunity to practice patience and frustration tolerance.
Building something can encourage problem-solving and persistence.
Pretend play can provide a safe space for children to explore relationships, emotions, fears, and experiences.
Even something as simple as making a bracelet or playing a game can create opportunities for communication, self-expression, flexible thinking, and emotional regulation.
Play isn't just play.
For children, it can be how they process the world around them.
The Goal Isn't Perfect Behavior
As parents, it's easy to feel like we're doing something wrong when our child is struggling.
We wonder if we're being too lenient. Too strict. Too emotional.Not consistent enough.
We wonder why something that worked yesterday isn't working today.
But parenting isn't about creating children who never have big feelings, never argue, never melt down, and always listen the first time.
The goal is to help children develop the skills to move through those difficult moments.
And that takes time.
It takes repetition.
It takes boundaries.
It takes connection.
And, honestly, it takes a lot of patience from us too.
Because sometimes we're going to calmly validate the feeling and hold the boundary.
And sometimes we're going to be standing in the bathroom at 7:45 p.m. wondering why choosing a bedtime dress has turned into a full-blown negotiation.
We're human, too.
So the Next Time Your Child Is “Giving You a Hard Time”...
Pause, if you can.
Take a breath.
And ask yourself:
What might my child be having a hard time with?
Are they tired? Overwhelmed? Hungry? Struggling with a transition? Looking for connection? Trying to communicate something they don't yet have the words for? Having difficulty with a skill that is still developing?
The answer won't always change the behavior immediately.
And understanding your child doesn't mean you won't have hard days.
But sometimes, changing the question helps us respond with a little more curiosity, compassion, and a little less frustration.
Because our children aren't born knowing how to manage big emotions.
They're learning constantly..
And we're learning right alongside them.
Your child isn't giving you a hard time. They may be having a hard time—and they may need you to help them find a way through it.
